Our Little Cedar Sapling

here are some photos from this past week…cedar and i have been getting out more for walks and car rides. typically someone has to be in the back with cedar to tend to her if she has a reflux event or chokes…but i decided to brave it this week and take her out in the car by myself.  i figured out how to rig a mirror in the back of the car so that i can see her face when i drive (in case of reflux on the go). she did choke one time and i simply pulled over to make sure she didn’t need anything more than a watchful eye for a moment. all was fine. the only drawback is that if she is wanting her pacifier and spits it out it makes for many stops along the way to put it back in her mouth and/or a screaming baby for the car ride. most of the time she is very content and falls asleep in the car. today grandma darland came up to visit and we took a trip to the waterfront for a walk. a perfect afternoon.

happy little passenger.

afternoon play time.

wearing mama’s hat.

making friends via foot sniffing.

making friends via face sniffing.

showing off her vintage healthtex.

and more healthtex.

we discovered cedar’s serious elbow dimples this week.

and had a mini meltdown.

dancing baby legs.

after dinner snuggles.

morning wake up routine.

and cedar’s first time to north lake whatcom trail!

what do you write about when the drama has subsided? what is the purpose of this blog now that cedar is healthy and home? this blog is shifting. ok, life is shifting. the blog started out as a great way to keep everyone informed on cedar’s health and progress…and of course with all the drama and daily updates, was easy to write. in some ways, life was easier to navigate in the hospital. we were stuck in one place – everything was out of our hands. my life was consumed by drama so there was no room for much more. i didn’t have much choice other than to focus all energy on cedar. for over a month now i have been struggling to redefine life outside of the nicu. time is now filled with more to do lists that i care to think about and i’m working on redefining myself as a mama. prior to cedar’s arrival i had a strong sense of self and a balanced life filled with family, friends, personal goals, exercise and bountiful self-employment. today, as i sit here writing this, cedar is wrapped around my chest and i’m not quite sure who i’ve become. my student roster is pretty sparse, my songbook empty, friends feeling distant and my pants a little too tight. i know that mamahood will do that to you. for the next decade or so it will be a neverending battle to carve out time and space for myself as an individual. i was prepared for that. what i wasn’t prepared for was the 4 months of touch and go in a hospital, putting me on a fast track to losing myself…or perhaps discovering myself? now that the dust is settled, i’m trying to get back to where i came from. but oh, we have traveled so far. in fact, i’m pretty sure we can’t get back. i’m realizing now, that it is a good thing.

i am a writer. and writing everyday was something that i used to do for myself. primarily for material to write songs. for a couple years now, i’ve been struggling to keep up with my writing. when i got pregnant, writing became a way to process the process. to journal about the journey. i found new inspiration. when cedar arrived 3 months early, writing became a way to inform our community of cedar’s health status and a way for me to get fear off my chest. it took some of the loneliness away. now that the drama has subsided words don’t come easy. we are coming up on a year since we got pregnant with cedar. there is still so much about the past year that i haven’t written about. i wish i could just sweat it out. turn the trickling faucet on full force. maybe it is because i don’t know who or what i write for these days? i know there are many of you who would still like to watch cedar grow. and i know that i’d like to continue writing – for my own sanity, inspiration and to keep a journal of cedar’s continued growth. i know i need to continue writing songs. it is good for my soul. all of this should be reason enough right? but i’m struggling. i have to get back to writing for me.

for me. what am i doing for me? my doctor asked me that months ago when cedar was in the thick of her healing. i really couldn’t answer her question. even still, i really can’t. maybe that’s why this is so hard…writing is hard because now it is only for me. i’ve been writing this entry for about an hour now – all the while feeding, burping, bouncing, changing cedar in between…heather will be home in an hour and i won’t have much to show for my day but a happy sleeping baby and this blog entry….i’ll clean the cat box, vacuum the house and do the dishes to help alleviate my guilt. this new life is ever unfolding and we’ll figure out a flow. and i’ll keep writing. maybe not here, in this capacity…but i’ll write nonetheless. and i will continue to post photos and updates of our little cedar sapling. she most definitely earned her celebrity status and deserves to be bragged about once in a while. so for those of you who are still reading this – enjoy the updates.

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we haven’t had an official weigh in this week – but if i had to guess, cedar is easily 10lbs 5oz now. she is about 21.5 inches long. we noticed in the last couple days that she has amazing head control now and moves her whole head side to side very steadily when tracking people walking across the room. she is smiling and babbling and throws out a giggle now and then. cedar has also started scooting when placed on her tummy. we cancelled our meeting with the feeding specialist last week and are rescheduling for next month so we’ll have an update on her swallowing issues later on…for now, all is well. she still chokes now and then but recovers quickly. sleeping at night is her forte – 7-8 hours at a time! however, this means she rarely naps during the day. we spend a lot of time playing in her nursery. it is the trade-off i suppose and we’ll take it!

it is a little early (ok a lot early) for cedar to be walking…but i am finally getting back to feeling more like myself and am making a point to get out of the house these days. baby steps to being as active as i used to be. today was a walk along the bay with a couple good friends and their baby. it was quite chilly but the crisp air was so refreshing. cedar slept snugly in the ergo nearly the whole walk. she missed out on the sea otter and bald eagle sightings but i’m sure was dreaming of the beauty all the same.

august 14th…..september 14th….october 14th….november 14th….december 14th….january 14th. cedar is 5 months old today! we’ve been home a whole month. it still feels so surreal. cedar continues to gain about an ounce a day (she weighs 10 pounds now!) and is now creeping on 22 inches long. she is still very small for a 5 month old – which is why she will be considered her adjusted age (2 months old) until she catches up  – likely sometime after she is toddling.

updates on cedar:

last week cedar got her first Synagis shot (outside of the NICU) to help protect her from RSV this season. as a premature baby, she is eligible to get these monthly shots through the cold/flu season. i’m so thankful a. that she is eligible to receive these shots filled with helpful antibodies and b. that her insurance covers the cost of these $1500 (per month) shots.

we have an appointment with a feeding specialist (occupational therapist) tomorrow to assess where cedar is at with her swallowing issue. i don’t sense that she has grown out of needing rice for thickening her formula yet because she still has choking spells now and then…regardless, we are looking forward to coming up with a plan of action to perhaps wean her off of the thickened feeds a bit and do another swallow study in the next few months.

cedar has become a total rockstar sleeper. we have a routine now that seems to work out well where she gets her last feeding around 10pm..shortly thereafter we all go to bed and she sleeps until 6am! that is 7-8 hours people!!! we feel super lucky and know that this may not last so we count each hour of sleep a blessing.

our little sapling is awake much of day now and interacting more and more. she LOVES her nursery and whenever she starts to fuss we just lay her on her floor and she smiles and laughs and babbles away. new milestones in the past couple weeks: she is definitely tracking with her eyes and turning her whole head to follow you now. she is also experimenting more and more with her voice – sometimes letting out a unexpected yell or giggle. she is smiling like crazy these days and bringing so much joy to us and everyone who meets her.

we are still staying very isolated as the flu/cold season spirals on around us. so far we have all been able to stay well – even with heather and hazel being in school environments. we did get our flu shots as well although we know that they are only about 60% effective. lots of hand washing is the key. heather and hazel also both change their clothes when they get home from school. we’re getting into the swing of living in a bubble….and are REALLY looking forward to coming out of hibernation this spring.

cedar playing in her room.

cedar hit 10 pounds this weekend!!!! can you believe it?!?! it is getting harder and harder to remember her as the two pounder that she used to be…

2 pounds

10 pounds!

if you feel so inclined – we are celebrating this milestone by collecting photos of anything having to do with the number 10 (this can be items that weigh 10 pounds, come in quantities of 10, etc.) please send them to: darsmithland@yahoo.com

thank you so much for continuing to celebrate cedar’s life and growth with us! lots of love back at you!

not the bubbles you might find in a bath. or being blown by a child in the summer sun. or the ones that leave a sticky mess of gum on your face. i’m talking about “grief bubbles”. you know, the kind of bubble that comes up from nowhere ushering in a moment of grief. these grief bubbles tend to come up unexpectedly long after the initial trauma…a person, material item, a word, the weather, a song – nearly anything can trigger them…

we had a rough day yesterday. we’re tired. we haven’t had much quality time as a couple – as a family…still so much is consumed by making sure cedar is ok. we can’t leave her unattended for fear of her reflux/choking. she has to be held upright for at least 30 minutes after each feeding. i sleep so lightly waking up every so often to make sure she is still breathing. every time she moves i wonder if she’s choking. every time she’s still, i wonder if her lungs have stopped working. in the grand scheme of things – this is not so hard. we have had much harder times. we simply have a newborn at home – all the usual time consumption and paranoia, plus some. i had a melt down yesterday – frustrated that we are still struggling to find a routine – one that feels balanced – where cedar’s needs, hazel’s needs and our individual needs are being met. i’m not quite sure i’ve grasped who i am, who we are outside of having a preemie in the nicu. this is what we’ve known for so long. and now we’re in isolation with cold/flu season. we are not our usual selves. what does that even mean? who are our usual selves? we are ever changing – and i never expected life to be the same after cedar arrived.  more on that later i suppose….

back to bubbles. my frustration has left me vulnerable. when heather got home from work i left the house to go run some errands…upon entering the car i noticed the green dot sticker on the windshield. the green dot that gave us special vip parking at the hospital. it brought me to tears – memories of the hospital – our tiny baby – all the moments of uncertainty came bubbling up – grieving a loss of ease. the green dot cracked me. my frustrations were not just about the now…obviously the green dot released months of frustration. grief bubble #1, 2, 3 and maybe even 4 came up. amazing what a little green dot can do. i took my key and scraped it off the windshield. the green dot may be gone but there will be plenty more grief bubbles i’m certain.

for now, what grounds me is this baby. this baby who has shown so much strength and resilience. who teaches me every day to smile even when i’m feeling cranky. to dance even when my diaper is soiled…um. not sure where that came from…just to be clear, i don’t wear diapers. please excuse the ridiculous metaphor. needless to say, i am still learning to find ease even when there is rocky ground…

“Dance, when you’re broken open. Dance, if you’ve torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you’re perfectly free.” – Rumi

cedar doing her evening dance routine.

francis was my great grandmother’s first name. saint francis of assisi – the patron of animals – also inspired us to settle on francis as cedar’s middle name. i’ve always been an animal lover and if you know our family at all, you know that we’ve been a constant refuge for rescue animals over the years. we have plans for cedar – i have no doubt she will be a protector and lover of animals as well. living in our home (that we often affectionately refer to as the “zoo”), she has pretty good odds. so far so good. no flinching when there is barking. no cringing when there is licking. even a smile when the cat gets up in her face. olive, our little black rescue pomeranian seems to be particularly fond of the babe so far…that or she just has a hard time giving up her baby status now that a real baby is in the house.

couch time.

the nurses kept telling us that the nicu would soon be a very distant memory…and that it might take a while before we actually felt the impact of the past several months.

they were right.

here we are in the now. baby at home as she should be. cedar is completely healthy, completely whole – only a few scars to remind us of where she came from. its only been three weeks since we left the nicu but already it feels so long ago. sleep deprived and hands rarely free, we look at our little sapling and are reminded more frequently these days of what could have been. and perhaps that’s the impact they were referring to. the one where we slow down enough to look back and see just how scary the ride really was. we pause long enough to breathe in ease and realize just what a little miracle we have on our hands. cedar is a lucky one. in many ways, we got off easy. to have her here at home without any tubes, multiple medications or pressing doctors appointments is a rarity for kiddos like cedar. to have her home period, is a something we don’t take for granted. every day that we were patiently awaiting our departure from the nicu there were families on a much different journey. finding out about the long term impacts of their baby’s physical condition, birth defect or chronic illness. or worse, facing the reality that their child would not survive. as i write this there are parents saying goodbye to their children. so many of them becoming a statistic that somehow we averted. when i look into cedar’s eyes i feel all of that grief and gratitude come bubbling up. some of that grief is my own yes, but much of it is the grief that surrounded us for months. the trauma of watching not just our own child suffer – but countless others. hearing their cries. the white noise of ventiltors and monitors while some of them held onto the last threads of life. walking through nicu corridors and feeling the heaviness of an empty room. being witness to families going through tragedy.

we know that we are so blessed to have cedar in our arms. not a day goes by that we don’t feel immense gratitude for her life and so much appreciation for the support that we have felt from those who cared for her directly and those who sent us so much love along the way. this last year was a big year for us and so many others. a year full of grief and gratitude indeed.

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2012 began with the passing of a young boy that our community knew well. i knew his mom from my time spent playing music at the farmer’s market and had spent many saturdays busking (aka playing music) alongside him while he entertained crowds with magic tricks and juggling. i always admired the crowd he could draw. caleb “flip” kors was a beautiful, wise and talented boy who died tragically at the age of 10 last january. our year began with the fragility of life at the forefront of our minds and in the midst of massive grieving in bellingham, heather and i were just weeks away from our first attempt to bring new life into this world. caleb’s passing rocked us a bit. in those days following his death i wondered if i had it in me to carry and birth a child then have the strength to live each day knowing at any point they could be taken from me. life is fragile. there are no guarantees. i have always known this but somehow being a mama drives that reality in a little deeper. but what is life if we live it fearing death? can we fully love if we are unwilling to let go? this is where faith, trust and spirituality come in…i don’t think i could do this mama thing without it. coincidentally, my spirituality has only been strengthened while navigating through life’s traumas and uncertainties. over the years i have come to truly believe that there is something much greater than this physical realm and i have no doubt that we are all interconnected. on january 9th – the day of caleb’s accident – cedar chose her name. we had not yet conceived, but already a new little being was making her way to us…and i can’t help but wonder if caleb was there helping her along the way.

at 9lbs 4.5oz, cedar has almost reached my birth weight (9lbs 7oz). i’m also happy to report, she has already passed my birth length –  21 inches long and she is much more slender than i was as a newborn (i was a whopping 18 inches long). she continues to grow well and keeps creeping up on the growth percentile chart. cedar is considered about 1.5 months old at this point (premature babies are tracked based on gestational age vs. actual birthdate). just over a month ago cedar was hanging on in the 2nd to 3rd percentile compared to other kiddos her corrected age. at yesterday’s doctor appointment she was charted at just about the 10th percentile!

1.5 months (corrected age). 9lbs 4.5oz.             21 inches.

cedar’s doctor’s appointment yesterday was primarily to get weighed and measured – unfortunately she was also due for her vaccine boosters. poor little kiddo got three shots in her thighs. she was a total rockstar and surprised the nurse by hardly even crying. i was a bit surprised because the method used to give her shots was pretty rough compared to the nurture she got in the NICU pre and post shot. i think in the pediatric clinics the nurses are all about speed to get it over and done with – they are used to kiddos who squirm and scream bloody murder. not cedar. injections are familiar to her – but she is also used to her NICU nurses administering them…a much more intentional, well-placed, slower shot. maybe a little massaging of the muscle. the ones she got yesterday were done before cedar could hardly realize what was happening but left her bleeding and sore. so we had another first yesterday. first evening run to the store for infant tylenol. she was feeling pretty crummy after all those injections. after a fairly restless night, cedar has had a good day. tomorrow marks 3 weeks since we returned home from our 4 month stay in the NICU.