i spent most of cedar’s birthday in a daze. i had just given birth to my baby – but she was not with me. we had gotten just a glimpse of her tiny 2 pound self just before she was whisked away on her first ambulance ride 60 miles south. heather had left shortly after cedar’s departure and by mid morning informed me that our baby was stable and now getting settled in at the NICU in everett. i remember laying in that hospital bed wide awake. my friend jo was sleeping soundly on the couch next to me. she’d be driving me to everett once i was discharged. the nurse kept coming in to tell me to rest. how could i rest after a night like we just had? how could i rest with all the unknown? how could i rest without cedar in my arms? finally, by early afternoon, we were out of there. jo and i stopped at my house to gather a few items – not knowing when i’d be home next. i remember standing in our back yard – i looked at myself in a mirror that is mounted on our shed. i wasn’t pregnant anymore. my body was already different. my belly felt empty. yet, it almost looked like nothing had ever happened. what HAD just happened??? jo reeled me in. i wandered the house in circles knowing i needed to get down to everett but feeling so lost. i gathered a few items of clothing and said goodbye to the dogs. the car ride to everett seemed to take forever.
by mid-afternoon i was staring at our baby. although i’d never seen a baby like that before. she really looked like a fish out of water. too tiny for this world yet somehow surviving outside the womb. technology is amazing. it was keeping her alive.
we had a meeting with doctors. i remember when it finally hit me – this was our new normal – the roller coaster was just now beginning to climb. the doctors told us cedar would be in the NICU most likely until her due date, in november. maybe earlier if there were no other complications. i counted- august. september. october. november. cedar had come 13 weeks early. 13 weeks in the nicu. ok. we can do this. i had no idea what that meant.
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here we are one year later. last week we celebrated cedar’s 1st birthday. she got to celebrate her actual birthday in butte, montana on our way back from michigan (yes we took an infant – and a 12 year old for that matter – on a 5200 mile road trip and loved it!) then she got a party with lots of friends here in bellingham.
today marks exactly one year since we were woken up in the middle of the night to be told that cedar was in serious condition. one year since she was rushed to children’s hospital for emergency surgery for a bowel perforation. one year since she nearly died on us.
photo taken right after surgery at children’s hospital for a perforated bowel…and one year to the day since it all happened.
today she is in my arms. happy and plump. today – like every day – we marvel at her strength and joy. we love you cedar francis!
Our Little Cedar Sapling 