Our Little Cedar Sapling

today is the anniversary of cedar’s homecoming. it is really hard to believe it has already been a year, yet, it also feels like decades ago we were living in the nicu still waiting for our little sapling to be ready to come home. last december we struggled to get into the holiday spirit. i admit, i reluctantly left cedar’s bedside overnight to join the rest of my family in bellingham for heather’s birthday and to do some holiday decorating. it was always so hard to leave cedar – no matter the occasion. we celebrated heather’s birthday by going out to breakfast…it was a quiet morning. we tried to be happy. we tried to be hopeful. i snapped a photo of the birthday girl. there were tears in her eyes. our family felt so incomplete sitting at that restaurant table. it didn’t feel right being there without cedar. it would have also felt awful to be in everett without heather on her birthday. i felt invisible. to the perfect stranger we looked like a lovely family enjoying a meal out…the reality is we were absolutely exhausted. having endured nearly 4 months of touch and go in the nicu – all the while torn between two worlds 90 miles apart. we had a newborn – living in another city. i know what wish heather made that morning on her birthday candle. and really, we were all wishing for the same christmas miracle. cedar’s homecoming.

heather must have wished extra hard on her birthday candle because within a day, cedar flipped a switch and was drinking from a bottle like a champ. no choking. no pauses in breath. she hadn’t had any major events in over a week and doctors were finally signing off on a plan to get her home in just a few days! on december 13th cedar passed her car seat and we packed up several boxes of belongings from her room. there were teary eyed goodbyes to nurses and doctors. on december 14th – exactly 4 months from the day our sapling was born, we were home.

sister bonding.

the christmas holiday came and went so quickly last year – it is all pretty fuzzy. sleepless nights spent worrying about whether or not cedar was breathing. during the days we mostly sat around in awe of our healthy, tubeless baby. we didn’t really see anyone except our families – and even some holiday plans were postponed to protect cedar from the cold and flu going around. we put up some decorations in our house – but i didn’t have it in me to put up our outside lights (something i love to do each year). when i look back at last christmas most of what i see is a stunned family trying to create some normalcy. the holidays are hardly normal as it is….and bringing a baby home during the holiday season – especially after a 4 month stay in the nicu – just seemed to prolong the feeling of invisibility. friends we hadn’t seen in months busy with their own families and struggling to have a healthy enough household to visit. the general public was also off limits for at least a few months….winter months spent isolated – protecting cedar from respiratory infection…we really didn’t start to feel half-way “normal” until april. it was a long winter.

ahhhh, how different things are today. we spent thanksgiving together as a family. cedar experienced her first christmas tree hunt. we kicked off the holidays early by putting up our christmas decorations by the first week of december (at least a week earlier than we usual do). christmas lights and holiday songs have filled our home for two weeks now. i’m happy to report that none of it has felt premature. we were eager to celebrate the holidays with leisure and intention this year. there is so much joy. there is so much gratitude. cedar makes it pretty easy to find this time of year magical. winter solstice is upon us. i can feel the return of light once again.

christmas tree hunting in the rain/snow and dark!

hazel placing the star on the tree…

stockings hung by the fire…

helping (un)wrap presents.

staying busy…

merry christmas!!!